I'm Jumping off a Cliff....

I've been wanting to write and post this for a long time, years actually. I've been waiting for my words to be perfect, for me to be perfect before I shared myself with the world like this. So in this waiting to be something completely unattainable I've been putting off doing this thing that my soul has been yearning for, this thing that I know in my heart is my purpose in life. This website has been in the works for over six years. Over six years!! It's been six years of self-doubt, fear, anxiety, judgement, and depression. Six years of running away and trying to hide from the truth of who I am and what I am here to do. It's been exhausting! And painful. It's been six years of inner struggle, and as crazy as it sounds I feel blessed and beyond grateful for each one them.

Huh? What??? Grateful and blessed to have struggle, doubt, fear, anxiety, and depression for six years? Yes! Gratitude fills my heart as I write this, and I'm awed by this process of consciousness in my life.

Most of us spend our lives trying to avoid pain, discomfort, or anything that makes us feel uneasy. We become master architects of our emotional lives, building systems and strategies that help us to avoid pain. We avoid circumstances, places, goals that trigger our pain. We cut people out of our lives because they trigger unease inside of us, unresolved issues we don't want to face. Unresolved pain we don't know how to be with. It's normal. We've never been taught how to BE WITH our pain. We've never been told it's actually our teacher.

So six years I've been lucky enough to get a crash course in my own brand of struggle, pain, discomfort and unease. It's been humbling. I spent a lot of time angry at it. Judging it, wanting it to be different. Trying to change it and make it be the way I wanted it to be. I can't tell you how many times I tried to finish this website from a place of determination and brute strength. That mental conversation went something like this,

Me: "We're finishing and publishing the website today. Get your ass up and get to work. No more of this procrastination and fear, I'm taking control and we're doing it."

To which the mind replied: "Fuck you! I'm scared! I'm not doing shit!"

No matter how much I tried to motivate and convince my mind to get this website done it didn't work. I was always hitting a wall I couldn't break thru, always banging my head against it trying to tear down the bricks with sheer force. When that inevitably didn't work I would fall into a pit of judgement and despair, and there I stayed untill I pulled myself out of it (again with the brute force) and started the entire cycle over again. When you run into a wall over and over and over eventually you get tired, you lose strength and then it happens...you surrender. You STOP FIGHTING WITH WHAT IS. You allow WHATEVER is showing up in your world space to be there. For me, it was allowing that part of myself that refused to finish this website to be here. To fully accept that there is a part of me that resists and even hates the idea of launching my business. Once I saw and allowed that part of myself to have a space in my heart I saw the deeper truth that has been hiding underneath it. Vulnerability and Fear.

Inside me there's a terrified little girl who doesn't think she has anything to offer the world. She's scared that she'll be laughed at, judged, called stupid, crazy and that she'll be cast out, shunned by her tribe.

Now this isn't me, this isn't my truth. I have been blessed to have people in my life who remind me of my gifts and what I have to offer the world. I know my tribe wouldn't banish me for doing this work, my tribe is amazing! They encourage me to pressure my dreams, especially this one ( thank you, you incredible humans!). Nevertheless, this young part, this deep vulnerability and fear has been under the surface, running me the last six year, terrified of jumping off this cliff and discovering she can't fly. No matter what I did to convince her she could fly it didn't matter. She didn't believe me. Why would she? I've been yelling at her to shut up and jump for six years! She tried telling me to pay attention and hear her concerns, but I couldn't. Until I could.

When this young vulnerability and fear came to the surface it was overwhelmingly painful. I stayed with it anyway. I gave it space to be here. I breathed into it and didn't try to change it, make it go away, or fear it. I just allowed and witnessed it arising, this well of sorrow inside myself. This young part that has been hiding behind fear for the majority of my life finally got to tell me about her world. And finally, I listened. With each piece of pain she offered my heart opened deeper into love and I embraced this sweet young part of myself as it guided me into a richer relationship and love of this pain I have been carrying for years.

When was the last time you loved your pain? Pause and think about that. Have you ever? Have you ever noticed pain or been with it outside of judging it, wanting it to go away, or make it different? Have you ever sat with it and allowed it the space to be here, as it is? Physical pain, emotional pain, mental pain, have you ever truly investigated it? What is it really? What does it feel like? Where does it start, where does it stop? Does it stay in your body? Does it pulse, move, vibrate? Can you witness it and investigate what this thing we call pain actually is? Can you investigate this place that wants to keep us away from investigating pain? We've been trained to get as far away from pain as we can, but what if instead we got as close to it as possible?

An unbelievable thing happens when you begin to truly investigate pain, you see that at it's core pain is just bound-up "stuck" boundless energy. Boundless energy radiating love. That's the truth of all things actually. Love, it's the only game in town this is not new information. It's what all the great teachers, prophets, and sages have been telling us throughout the years. It is the truth of who we are, Love.

It's what that young vulnerable part of myself remembered when I was finally able to be with it after six years of trying to quite and get the hell away from the pain. It doesn't mean that part of me is "fixed", "healed" or is gone forever. I wouldn't want it to be. It's a part of the whole that makes me who I am, and I am grateful for it. Moving forward, I'll try to pay more attention and listen closer when that part of myself sends up a flare. Maybe it'll only take me three years next time to listen. Or maybe I'll remember right away that the pain is actually leading me into deeper levels and understandings of love. Either way, I know it will be OK. I remembered that I have wings.

My beautiful friend Grace told me "Better done then perfect" talking about this website. It's now officially done. Not Perfect. but Done.

Thank you to all my AMAZING friends who have supported, encouraged, and pushed me to never give up on this. You all saw my wings long before I did and this wouldn't have happened without you. I love you beyond words.